saifai: (TH - Secret Look Twins (unknown))


I feel bad for not updating more, but to be honest it's been more a case of lethargy. I have finally been able to put a name to my condition and that is familial hemiplegic migraines. For me, they tend to manifest as vistibular migraines. But that basically means is I get dizzy and confused quite often. Unfortunately they are completely out of control and I'm getting migraines on a daily basis, which is frightening because a serious condition will see people having them one week. What does that say about me?

 

Rethinking life goals

 

There are a few things I have had to rethink in my life. The most obvious is my ability to work. I don't think I will be able to seriously hold a job outside of the home anymore. Which is a really hard thing to face. But given my job skills I don't have this set required to telecommute at any serious level. Which means, I need to go back to school. I will have to re think my degree and change fields completely.

 

In that I am actually hopeful that I have an idea for my future. It is just going to take a helluva lot of time and effort get there, mostly because I have to come up with a way to pay for my schooling while I'm having trouble being able to do any significant amount of work. But I will find off way before, because I am very determined.

 

That's it for now

 

There is more to this thing called my life, that but that is not enough depression for one day. Maybe I can try to update more than once a year. We will just have to see how that goes, right?

saifai: (Charlie Brown Xmas (katiesangels))
Long time no see! I've gotten out of the habit of updating this like I used to. This past year struggling with my ever worsening migraines has been hell. I can't think straight most days. It's gotten better, meaning I'm not blacking out much anymore. But there are still days my brain won't function right.

I'm spending most of my time at home these days. I'm doing a bit of freelance web and graphic work when I can.

Been taking some time to spring clean my life in the off times. My mother and I are consolidating our storage rooms. We've both got years worth of crap from our failed marriages to sort through. We're finally getting around to selling off what we won't use (seriously, there's like five storage rooms worth of stuff we're facing here).

Got around to sorting through old love letters yesterday. Threw away every last one of them. Feels rather good, you know?

As for Christmas coming around, I'm about ready. I'm going Hermione Granger this year and getting academic worthy presents for almost everyone I know. It's a bit unusual for me, but it seemed right this year. I've just got a few more stocking stuffers to get and then I'm done.

Hope everyone of y'all is having a good holiday season so far. Everyone got their shopping done yet?
saifai: (Defining Moments (isabel0329))
I don't know why I got to thinking about this today.  I've been lazing around today, doing chores here and there, running errands and the like.  But still I find myself thinking about the past.  It has no reflection on today, except that it's still something I think about now and then.

Oddly enough, I don't think it's something I've ever talked about in my journal.

The day the earth stood still... )

There's really no point in sharing this other than to implore everyone out there to think twice before you say something.  You may mean it in the heart of the moment, but could you live with the consequences?

I never told this person any of this before.  I'm not sure I ever will.  It's not for them to know.  It's something just for me to deal with now.

If you'll excuse me, I need some chocolate.
saifai: (Defining Moments (isabel0329))
I don't know why I got to thinking about this today.  I've been lazing around today, doing chores here and there, running errands and the like.  But still I find myself thinking about the past.  It has no reflection on today, except that it's still something I think about now and then.

Oddly enough, I don't think it's something I've ever talked about in my journal.

The day the earth stood still... )

There's really no point in sharing this other than to implore everyone out there to think twice before you say something.  You may mean it in the heart of the moment, but could you live with the consequences?

I never told this person any of this before.  I'm not sure I ever will.  It's not for them to know.  It's something just for me to deal with now.

If you'll excuse me, I need some chocolate.
saifai: (AUGH! (saifai))
I've got two major updates for y'all, but I'll keep it in two different posts so those that aren't interested can just skip to the next one.

First, a bit of real life depressing news.  The hubby asked to file divorce papers.  I know, big shock and all.  But so far we were only seperated.  Now it's becoming final.

At the moment we're trying to sort out our various bills to decide who pays what.  We don't have much in the way of belongings to sort out, and what we had has already been dealt with.

We're still talking.  Most of the time it's as if nothing has happened.

I know I'm not dealing with it.  I've had dreams where I have wicked arguments with the hubby that should have happened in real life.  In a way I'm thankful I'm having them.  For one, I'm able to deal with in some way the issues I was having with hubby.  It also serves as a way for me to be able to get along with him for a longer period of time.  My patience with him has certainly diminished, but I'm also able to compartmentalize rather well.  Denial is also a wonderful too.

Yes, I'm doing fine.  But I don't think the real healing will happen until after the divorce is final.

For now, I'm just moving along one day at a time.  I'm trying to find myself again.  A friend of mine recc'd me the book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes.  I'll read that and see how it goes.  Right now I just need a direction to move in.
saifai: (AUGH! (saifai))
I've got two major updates for y'all, but I'll keep it in two different posts so those that aren't interested can just skip to the next one.

First, a bit of real life depressing news.  The hubby asked to file divorce papers.  I know, big shock and all.  But so far we were only seperated.  Now it's becoming final.

At the moment we're trying to sort out our various bills to decide who pays what.  We don't have much in the way of belongings to sort out, and what we had has already been dealt with.

We're still talking.  Most of the time it's as if nothing has happened.

I know I'm not dealing with it.  I've had dreams where I have wicked arguments with the hubby that should have happened in real life.  In a way I'm thankful I'm having them.  For one, I'm able to deal with in some way the issues I was having with hubby.  It also serves as a way for me to be able to get along with him for a longer period of time.  My patience with him has certainly diminished, but I'm also able to compartmentalize rather well.  Denial is also a wonderful too.

Yes, I'm doing fine.  But I don't think the real healing will happen until after the divorce is final.

For now, I'm just moving along one day at a time.  I'm trying to find myself again.  A friend of mine recc'd me the book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes.  I'll read that and see how it goes.  Right now I just need a direction to move in.
saifai: (Default)
I'm in a weird place right now. On the one hand, hubby and I are on the brink of financial disaster. We think we're going to have to file for bankruptcy around February. On the other hand, hubby has submitted his business plan to a local branch of a national brokerage firm for funding. It's getting really good feedback so far from the locals (enough to qualify it...). The national circulars won't go out for it until Thursday. If we get our funding, it could mean a gi-huge-ic increase in our income.

It's just strange. I should be more worried than I am about our bankruptcy, but I'm just not. We've talked to a lawyer, and we're fairly confident we could repair our credit within 6 months or so (only because of what one of the companies we're in debt to has done...). Also, if we get the funding we need, then it wouldn't matter anyway. But that's another story. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with all that money. It'll be kind of a shock for me if it happens.

I don't know. I think I'm confused. I can't decide whether to be happy or upset.
saifai: (Default)
I'm in a weird place right now. On the one hand, hubby and I are on the brink of financial disaster. We think we're going to have to file for bankruptcy around February. On the other hand, hubby has submitted his business plan to a local branch of a national brokerage firm for funding. It's getting really good feedback so far from the locals (enough to qualify it...). The national circulars won't go out for it until Thursday. If we get our funding, it could mean a gi-huge-ic increase in our income.

It's just strange. I should be more worried than I am about our bankruptcy, but I'm just not. We've talked to a lawyer, and we're fairly confident we could repair our credit within 6 months or so (only because of what one of the companies we're in debt to has done...). Also, if we get the funding we need, then it wouldn't matter anyway. But that's another story. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with all that money. It'll be kind of a shock for me if it happens.

I don't know. I think I'm confused. I can't decide whether to be happy or upset.

Matrix

Oct. 4th, 2003 01:33 pm
saifai: (Default)
You are Neo
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nicked from [livejournal.com profile] lapetiteflower. I'm a bit surprised by the results, but I suppose things may have had a different answer if I was in a better mood.

I was trying to describe to hubby how I'm feeling at the moment. I have been sleeping pretty well when the migraines don't keep me up. Anyway, I lapsed into Star Trek analogy:
Non-essential systems have been shut down. External censors are not operational. Shields at 25% percent capacity. The plasma is leaking. I've got a little Star Trek crew in my head on Red Alert.

Matrix

Oct. 4th, 2003 01:33 pm
saifai: (Default)
You are Neo
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nicked from [livejournal.com profile] lapetiteflower. I'm a bit surprised by the results, but I suppose things may have had a different answer if I was in a better mood.

I was trying to describe to hubby how I'm feeling at the moment. I have been sleeping pretty well when the migraines don't keep me up. Anyway, I lapsed into Star Trek analogy:
Non-essential systems have been shut down. External censors are not operational. Shields at 25% percent capacity. The plasma is leaking. I've got a little Star Trek crew in my head on Red Alert.
saifai: (Default)
I don't know about anyone else, but the more stuff that goes on in my life, and the more tired I get (some of having to do with my own ill health), the more likely I am to let my daily mask slip. I don't know if everyone has one, but it's mainly the mask you wear to show everyone that you're just fine. You're happy, they don't really care what else is going in your life kinda of thing. Even for people you love, hubby or parents maybe, you still put up a front around them. Perhaps its a side of you they don't like, or a side you don't want to show them. Either way, there just comes a time when you're just too tired to give a shit anymore. I don't get like that very often, in fact in the past I never let it slip (part of the reason I stopped drinking). But these days, as I get more tired, and more things happen to me in my life, I just can't hold it up any longer.

Honestly though, it kinda scares me. Last time I went through this, I came out of it with nothing.
saifai: (Default)
I don't know about anyone else, but the more stuff that goes on in my life, and the more tired I get (some of having to do with my own ill health), the more likely I am to let my daily mask slip. I don't know if everyone has one, but it's mainly the mask you wear to show everyone that you're just fine. You're happy, they don't really care what else is going in your life kinda of thing. Even for people you love, hubby or parents maybe, you still put up a front around them. Perhaps its a side of you they don't like, or a side you don't want to show them. Either way, there just comes a time when you're just too tired to give a shit anymore. I don't get like that very often, in fact in the past I never let it slip (part of the reason I stopped drinking). But these days, as I get more tired, and more things happen to me in my life, I just can't hold it up any longer.

Honestly though, it kinda scares me. Last time I went through this, I came out of it with nothing.
saifai: (Default)
I really haven't had time to myself for a few years now, or at least that's what it feels like to me. First, my grandmother died a few years back. We were very close. Then, the next summer my paternal grandmother died. Due to family feuds, I didn't know her. I met her only the once before the fighting started. I didn't find out about her death until six months after the fact. Late last year my Dad had a minor heart attack and went in for a quadruple (plus) bypass surgery. He survived, but is still trying to get himself back into good health. That started me on my own fitness routine earlier this year. Which was incidentally around the same time that my cat of fourteen years died.

The next blow? Dad was diagnosed with malignant prostrate cancer. Apparently he's know for a week. Mom asked me today if he'd told me, having suspicions that he hadn't told either me or my sister. Luckily it hasn't spread yet, but they're not doing surgery on it. They're going the chemotherapy route. I don't really have good feelings about that considering my Dad's already low health levels. We'll see how it goes.

I don't even consider my own poor health at the moment. Almost unbearable headaches just aren't even a concern. My question is, when will I get a break?
saifai: (Default)
I really haven't had time to myself for a few years now, or at least that's what it feels like to me. First, my grandmother died a few years back. We were very close. Then, the next summer my paternal grandmother died. Due to family feuds, I didn't know her. I met her only the once before the fighting started. I didn't find out about her death until six months after the fact. Late last year my Dad had a minor heart attack and went in for a quadruple (plus) bypass surgery. He survived, but is still trying to get himself back into good health. That started me on my own fitness routine earlier this year. Which was incidentally around the same time that my cat of fourteen years died.

The next blow? Dad was diagnosed with malignant prostrate cancer. Apparently he's know for a week. Mom asked me today if he'd told me, having suspicions that he hadn't told either me or my sister. Luckily it hasn't spread yet, but they're not doing surgery on it. They're going the chemotherapy route. I don't really have good feelings about that considering my Dad's already low health levels. We'll see how it goes.

I don't even consider my own poor health at the moment. Almost unbearable headaches just aren't even a concern. My question is, when will I get a break?
saifai: (Default)
Does anyone else besides me ever get the feeling your life is just biding your time in between frequent bouts of everything falling apart? Or maybe is just too much chocolate talking.
saifai: (Default)
Does anyone else besides me ever get the feeling your life is just biding your time in between frequent bouts of everything falling apart? Or maybe is just too much chocolate talking.

Profile

saifai: (Default)
saifai

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112 131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 01:46 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios