saifai | Times Change (Reply)

I don't know why I got to thinking about this today. I've been lazing around today, doing chores here and there, running errands and the like. But still I find myself thinking about the past. It has no reflection on today, except that it's still something I think about now and then.

Oddly enough, I don't think it's something I've ever talked about in my journal.

Roughly two years ago, I was much more involved with fandom than I am today. As much as I loved it though, I was having problems with my marriage. I was having problems with depression. I was having health troubles that plagued me daily. I just wanted to delete my site, delete my journal, trash my computer. I just wanted to end that part of my life. I don't even know why. It just hurt. I guess part of it is that it served as a reminder of why I was so involved with all that to begin with. It was all an escape from reality for me. I could forget about my problems at home and just immerse myself in another world with people just like me.

My ex-husband wouldn't let me follow through with any of that. As much as he hated the time I spent online and with my website, he knew how much it meant to me. He forced me to keep going. In a way, I'm very thankful for that. I wouldn't have gotten to know many of you if I had done what I wanted. I'm not sure I could have gotten through my recent divorce and other troubles without you all.

There were however, some very important things in my life that I lost during that time.

I was involved in a kerfuffle over some of my graphics work. That's really neither here nor there. It honestly didn't affect my life that much other than to bring home some realities for me. It didn't stop me making graphics, or writing fan fiction, or involving myself in any of the other online activities there were for me.

What made a difference for me was an email. I found it today and re-read it. That one little email destroyed so much for me. Even today I'm still affected by it. I had no idea the far-reaching affect that one little email would have on my life. How just a few words could destroy me with far more efficiency than anything my husband could have ever done to me. I suppose that sounds harsh, but it's just true for me. I can't even tell you why either.

I won't get into the details of the letter. Just that it was the loss of a friendship. It wasn't even over anything I did. They were going through a bad time and I got caught in the crossfire after someone said something damaging to them. I don't know why they sent the email to me. I wasn't involved in anything that happened. I do know that whatever that other person said made them question everything in their lives. They lost their trust in everyone around them, and I caught the brunt of it. At least from my perspective I did.

This email resulted in many things. I lost that friendship for one. I felt so betrayed that she had questioned my faith and trust. My heart was broke.

That was the day I lost my muse.

I've gained it back to a point, but it's nothing like it was. I still write in my books. I still pump out fan fiction. I still create fan art. But hardly any of it ever comes out anymore. I haven't completed a story since that time. There are a very few rare people out there that have gotten graphics from me since then (and even that has come to a stop since I lost my computer).

There's really no point in sharing this other than to implore everyone out there to think twice before you say something. You may mean it in the heart of the moment, but could you live with the consequences?

I never told this person any of this before. I'm not sure I ever will. It's not for them to know. It's something just for me to deal with now.

If you'll excuse me, I need some chocolate.