Somewhere East of Life

I had a dream I can't get my mind off.

In it, I was revisiting someplace. I don't know where I was. I just know that I had been there before. I had been there with my ex-husband.

I was on my own this time. Not really, but I felt alone. I was traveling with people, but they kept leaving me behind. Friends would come, and then leave suddenly.

You see, we were in the middle of a war zone.

( ...follow me for more. )

On a side note: The place we were at, I really don't know where it was. In my dream I remembered having been there before, but in real life I've no clue where it was other than a big city. It reminded me of the city landscape from the old Doom video game.

The scene with the restaurant didn't happen in real life either.
( ...follow me for the side story. )

I went mad for cookies just a moment ago.

I remembered I had cookies left over from lunch.  Yummy chocolate chip ones from Long John Silver's made from "the cookie diva" (or so the clerk told me).  I had only eaten one.  I had two left.

Hey, I have cookies left over from lunch.  Mmm... that'd be realy good about... COOKIES!

My mom hears me yell but doesn't know what I'd said, so she comes running.  I blindly make a mad dash for the kitchen, pushing my mom out of the way as I pass her.

She kinda stumbles a bit and blinks at me blankly for a minute wondering what the hell has gotten into me before questioning me...

*blinkblink*  Wha...?

I run into the kitchen and spin a couple circles looking for my lunch bag.  I don't see it.  I dash back out and  run into the living room.  I stop and glance around the room quickly, eyes darting back and forth.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I must look like I'm on the run for my life and I'm looking for the quickest means of escape.

I dash back into the kitchen and follow the same routine.  Eyes following every surface with rapid movements until I spot my prey.

There!  On top of the fridge HA!

By this point my mother has shook her head at me and escaped to the safety of her own room.

Of course, I don't find the cookies in my lunch bag.  I run around the house again from room to room wondering where the hell I put my cookies.  Finally I remember I tucked them away in my purse. 

*squeals and clutches bag of cookies close to chest*  Cookies, cookies, cookies.  Oh, how I love you my precious cookies.  *pets bag of cookies*

Mom came back out when she heard me yell out, yet again.  I finally told her the story at that point.  Between bites of chocolate chip cookie, of course.

Yes, she did guilt trip me about pushing her out of the way and made me give her one...



...which she didn't eat because her blood sugar was too high.



...and then left on the computer desk right next to me with strict instructions not to touch it.



*eyes the cookie longingly*

*flails and gloms onto LJ*  It only took me two days to find the server to post this...

Allow me to rant for a few, if you will.  Even if you don't.  Feel free to scroll through...

Computer Hell
First up?  The computer is down.  I did a stupid thing and got a virus.  I found the file and even know what it is, but haven't found a way to get rid of it.  It attached itself to some main Windows operating programs and built itself a nest in my System Idle (bringing the grand total up to 80 to 90 percent in that sector).  This means I can't delete it (since it loads with Windows... even in Safe Mode w/ Command Prompt), and I have to reboot my computer frequently (the computer will freeze after so long of being on since it eats up the memory the longer it's running).

I'm working with Spybot to try and find a solution.  If all else fails I may end up re-installing Windows, but I'm trying to avoid that.  I don't have a copy on hand at the moment.  I'll have to beg and plead from the mechanics at work to get me a copy (which means mass amounts of my special recipe chocolate chip cookies... and it's TOO HOT to bake right now).

Computer Hell v2.0, now with spiffyex-Hubby of Doom!
Second up?  A new computer is what I really want.  I even found a cheap HP Wireless laptop on eBay, brand new, for $250 (which is doable if they bought them in a large lot).  However, any money I would have had to put toward it was swindled out of me by the ex-hubby.  All $950 of it (which would have got me a decent custom built system).  Needless to say, I don't have that new computer, though supposedly the ex is supposed to have one built for me and handed over by the end of this month.  (Yeah, I'm holding my breath for that one...)  In the mean time, I've started te saving process over again.

No Computer, No Fun, No Rest
Third, school is almost out for me.  At the end of this week I'll start my new job hunt.  I've still got to work summer school, but I'll be off work by noon, so I'm still good on that front.  I would be working on graphics projects (especially for those I owe layouts and composite images), but without my computer working (and all my Photoshop resources), I'm out of luck for now.  I guess that garden will get weeded after all!

He did what?!
Last, but certainly not least, the ex-hubby neglected to pay some bills that he got custody of via our divorce decree.  I'm being sued by two different companies who want me to pay up.

Anyone want to take bets on whether the ex will pay up on his end?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to take that bet either.

The end is night...
As an addendum to the above entry, I'll give you the lastest of the latest.  School is finally out as of 2:30pm yesterday.  I was dragged to the end of the year company picnic.  I had to actually socialize ::shudders:: with other humans.  The person would not let me leave at the appointed time.  She made me stay because I was "finally loosening up" and "actually cracked a grin" and she was determined to make me enjoy myself one way or another.  *scowls and stomps feet*

Today, I have begged off helping mom work on her "while you've got a few days off before summer school starts why don't we complete the thousand and one things on my to-do list?" list.  I am however going to go and pick up my paycheck, then go directly to the fabric store to pic out something nice for a new Sunday skirt.  I have only the one that still fits *eyes the candy guiltily* and need something else to wear.  Wish me luck.  *eyes the sewing machine dubiously*

The divorce is final.

The name change went through (probably thanks to some last minute updates to the wording).  I went with my mother's name.

I've still not really dealt with it yet, but that will come in time.  For now, it's just one day at a time.  It's a relief to have that part of it over for now.  I really just want to get on with my life and start rebuilding.

I'll start seriously looking for a new job come this summer when school gets out (which should be in another two weeks or less).  We'll see what happens for now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some chocolate waiting.  Also?  I need to make a list of all the places that need to have the name changed (other than the ones I could make online).  Not exactly looking forward to that part...

I've got two major updates for y'all, but I'll keep it in two different posts so those that aren't interested can just skip to the next one.

First, a bit of real life depressing news.  The hubby asked to file divorce papers.  I know, big shock and all.  But so far we were only seperated.  Now it's becoming final.

At the moment we're trying to sort out our various bills to decide who pays what.  We don't have much in the way of belongings to sort out, and what we had has already been dealt with.

We're still talking.  Most of the time it's as if nothing has happened.

I know I'm not dealing with it.  I've had dreams where I have wicked arguments with the hubby that should have happened in real life.  In a way I'm thankful I'm having them.  For one, I'm able to deal with in some way the issues I was having with hubby.  It also serves as a way for me to be able to get along with him for a longer period of time.  My patience with him has certainly diminished, but I'm also able to compartmentalize rather well.  Denial is also a wonderful too.

Yes, I'm doing fine.  But I don't think the real healing will happen until after the divorce is final.

For now, I'm just moving along one day at a time.  I'm trying to find myself again.  A friend of mine recc'd me the book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes.  I'll read that and see how it goes.  Right now I just need a direction to move in.

Wow.  I just got my first nomination.  I rewrote one of my older stories in order to get it ready for posting to my new profile at AFF.net.  It's been nominated.  *coughthankyoutwilightschild9cough*



I'm entirley speechless.  I'm just so... surprised?  Not sure if that's the right word.  Anyhow, thank you very much.

*****

Now for a bit of RL drama.  It all started when the future ex-hubby (hereafter referred to as FEH)  had ( rolled his truck... )

Now for the photos... ( blood and gore not included )

What a combination, yeah?

So, I think I officially hate Sundays. It's on those days that I get personal revelations, and find myself hard-pressed to hold onto any grudges. Don't get me wrong, I can hold a grudge like nobody. I never forget anything. I don't trust many people. But those that are close to me, I find it hard to hold them accountable. Anyway, I gave my Dad a Christmas present (wrapped in a great big box). I even gave him a care package with snacks and hot cocoa. I felt really good about it, knowing he was pleased that his daughter thought of him during the Holidays. I still find myself wondering how he would react if he knew that I know about what he's been saying about me to his friends. But the way I figure it, he doesn't know me. He probably never will. In that respect, I find it hard to hold a grudge against someone so clueless. That makes sense in the way that doesn't.

In other news, my Mom sent me another male-bashing joke. Hiliarious commentary regarding what gender our computers are, as determined by a group of students in a French class.

( The story... )

Hee. Gotta love my mom.

It's getting weird. *shrugs* In other news, my Dad has decided to use me as a scapegoat for the reason he filed for divorce rather than admit he has a girlfriend. Gee, thanks Dad. Why? It's over money. Whatever.

Got my first two reviews of the fic I posted. The first was constructive, and hopeful. Maybe after I post the second half of the chapter it will come together a bit better. I'll be working through the part I've been stuck on today. Hopefully I can post it by Monday. *crosses fingers*

Meanwhile, before I get started with the writing, I'm gonna finish decorating my home for Christmas. (what can I say? I'm a late bloomer.) Actually, I've been avoiding this since I have to crawl around in the attic for the stuff. *eek* There's spiders up there.

Hubby is so cute. I got so excited the other day when I thought I got a spam for some sort of female issue. It was patches. I was thinking maybe breast increasing patches, but no such luck (not that my DD self needs them...). Anyway, it turns out to be a male ad. Hubby felt sorry for me, so since he's the one that gets all the ads for women, he thoughtfully sent me his. *snerk* It would be my second spam ad for women. Yesterday I got my first. It was something with bunny ears. O_o

Oh, and my Dad called me today. Of course I missed his call and had to call him back, but I still got to talk to him. It was weird. It was okay, though. He had surgery to implant some radiation seeds.

...of the dirty variety. Mom had me use undelete software on the desktop computer that Dad left behind. He cleaned out his harddrive, so we kinda wondered if he had something to hide. As it turns out, he had some interesting files. I found all sorts of transcripted text files from messenger conversations between him and his girlfriend. That's right folks, his girlfriend. I'm totally squicked. Couldn't read most of it, but it did leave enough information to give to the lawyer that can be later verified (dates and mentions of various files for their trips, gifts given, etc.). Gah. I seriously need to clean my brain.

So, hubby helped me out. Get your minds out of the gutter folks. We had a Hugh Jackman movie marathon this evening and watched X-Men 2, Kate & Leopold, and Swordfish. Yeah, that's the stuff. Swordfish gave me a plot bunny though. It's gonna be a big one, and I'm not entirely sure I can pull it off without help. Basically, it would be a Spander (what else would I write?) and it would be loosely based on the relationship between Travolta's and Berry's characters on Swordfish. O_o It all makes sense in my head. I've just gotta figure out how far reaching their manipulations with people go, if they're working for someone else (and who it would be), how Buffy and Angel figure into everything. Fun, yeah? I thought so.

Oh, and I totally hate Yahoo right now. They tightened the bolts on their bulk email fiters. I didn't figure out until late Friday that the reason I wasn't getting any of my emails and replies was because they all ended up in the bulk folder. I don't know how many emails I must have lost. Order receipts, mailing list subscription emails, emails from people in my address book, replies from others... Oh, and of course any emails notifying me of replies to entries in my LiveJournal. If I missed anyone, I'm sorry. I still don't have it fixed, but at least I know where my email has been all this week. *sigh*