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saifaiI've still got tension headaches from the back pain, and my back is protesting today for no reason. I'm taking most of the day off.
While I'm here checking my email though I thought I'd comment on something I mentioned a few days back "changing tides" and something that forces you to change your path...
Well, what it was that caused this was a death. A family friend of ours (who is actually the aunt of a good friend of mine) killed herself. Those of you in the California area probably heard about it on the news. She laid herself down on the train tracks.
I didn't know her that well, but I had met her. What gets me though is her circumstances, what drove her to it, and how it's affected the family. The family is devistated. On the one hand I'm upset with her. She didn't take into consideration the pain she would cause by doing this. On the other hand, I'm sad that she felt she had no choice. Also, I don't really think she had the capacity to think through the decision clearly at the time. Unfortunately, that's something I understand all too well (but that's a story for another day).
That brings us to the subject of my Dad. I'd made a decision to not having anything to do with him. I've mentioned this before, that I'd decided this because I just can't deal with him and his tricks at the moment. I felt that I would some day deal with him, and forgive him for what I'm sure is something he will never understand. But then something like this comes along, and I find that nobody else wants to tell him. He was a good friend of the family, and yet nobody wanted to deal with him. They all know my Mom and have been just as hurt by his actions towards my Mom as anyone. Everyone kept saying, "I'll get someone else to do it" until eventually there was nobody left to tell him. None of them could bring themselves to talk to him, even for this.
*sigh* I'm closest to him, vicinity wise, and had to tell him. I didn't want to bother my sister, who was at the end of the list of people to ask to tell him. But she lives on the opposite coast from me, and (among other things) just didn't want to bother her with it. So I called him. He didn't answer my call. I had to leave a message for him to call me back. Six hours later he finally did call me.
He knows now, but it caused me to rethink things through a bit. I still can't bring myself to talk to him, and probably won't until well after their divorce is finalized. But it caused me to stop and think that my Dad doesn't have but a small handful of people around him to turn to. On the one hand I can't bring myself to pity him, because he brought this all on himself. I know very well what (or who) his reasons are and all I can feel is... I don't know. I understand that his mental health after the medical problems he's had cause a large percentage of others in his same circumstances to pull similar stunts. But that doesn't make it any easier. I sincerely hope that it all turns out the way he wants it to, though I already know it won't. Even having said that though, I feel a deep sadness that he's lost so much. The worst part is that I don't even think he is aware of it yet. I'm certainly not going to tell him.
In other more brighter news, I've been writing a bit and thinking of a few more plot bunnies. I've got one that deals with Spike, and... I can't quite decide. The situation is that he will be with someone, some unexpected person (like Willow, or Tara, or someone). Then in an effort to help in a situation, they go against him. Not directly, but they end up hurting him by choosing to side with someone that in his life has caused him pain (like Drusilla, Buffy, or Angel). So, rather than stick it out with them he leaves. He just can't force himself to deal with this person, even if it means choosing to leave his love. Is it in him to really do that? I don't know. Just something I want to explore. I'm thinking already of who I want him to get help from, someone he turns to for support (or who comes to him). I'm thinking Xander, because of course he's always my first thought to pair off with Spike. But I'm open to suggestions. I'm about to the point I'll setup a voting booth to choose which three characters to work from. Anyone have any suggestions to offer me?
ETA: Just thought I'd throw in a rec of sorts here. A friend of mine wrote a good article on his sites journal about aging. Goes along with my "Changing of tides" theme for today. Go to LaughingSpecter.com and read the first post there (or for those of you coming in late on this, it's the February 6th post).
While I'm here checking my email though I thought I'd comment on something I mentioned a few days back "changing tides" and something that forces you to change your path...
Well, what it was that caused this was a death. A family friend of ours (who is actually the aunt of a good friend of mine) killed herself. Those of you in the California area probably heard about it on the news. She laid herself down on the train tracks.
I didn't know her that well, but I had met her. What gets me though is her circumstances, what drove her to it, and how it's affected the family. The family is devistated. On the one hand I'm upset with her. She didn't take into consideration the pain she would cause by doing this. On the other hand, I'm sad that she felt she had no choice. Also, I don't really think she had the capacity to think through the decision clearly at the time. Unfortunately, that's something I understand all too well (but that's a story for another day).
That brings us to the subject of my Dad. I'd made a decision to not having anything to do with him. I've mentioned this before, that I'd decided this because I just can't deal with him and his tricks at the moment. I felt that I would some day deal with him, and forgive him for what I'm sure is something he will never understand. But then something like this comes along, and I find that nobody else wants to tell him. He was a good friend of the family, and yet nobody wanted to deal with him. They all know my Mom and have been just as hurt by his actions towards my Mom as anyone. Everyone kept saying, "I'll get someone else to do it" until eventually there was nobody left to tell him. None of them could bring themselves to talk to him, even for this.
*sigh* I'm closest to him, vicinity wise, and had to tell him. I didn't want to bother my sister, who was at the end of the list of people to ask to tell him. But she lives on the opposite coast from me, and (among other things) just didn't want to bother her with it. So I called him. He didn't answer my call. I had to leave a message for him to call me back. Six hours later he finally did call me.
He knows now, but it caused me to rethink things through a bit. I still can't bring myself to talk to him, and probably won't until well after their divorce is finalized. But it caused me to stop and think that my Dad doesn't have but a small handful of people around him to turn to. On the one hand I can't bring myself to pity him, because he brought this all on himself. I know very well what (or who) his reasons are and all I can feel is... I don't know. I understand that his mental health after the medical problems he's had cause a large percentage of others in his same circumstances to pull similar stunts. But that doesn't make it any easier. I sincerely hope that it all turns out the way he wants it to, though I already know it won't. Even having said that though, I feel a deep sadness that he's lost so much. The worst part is that I don't even think he is aware of it yet. I'm certainly not going to tell him.
In other more brighter news, I've been writing a bit and thinking of a few more plot bunnies. I've got one that deals with Spike, and... I can't quite decide. The situation is that he will be with someone, some unexpected person (like Willow, or Tara, or someone). Then in an effort to help in a situation, they go against him. Not directly, but they end up hurting him by choosing to side with someone that in his life has caused him pain (like Drusilla, Buffy, or Angel). So, rather than stick it out with them he leaves. He just can't force himself to deal with this person, even if it means choosing to leave his love. Is it in him to really do that? I don't know. Just something I want to explore. I'm thinking already of who I want him to get help from, someone he turns to for support (or who comes to him). I'm thinking Xander, because of course he's always my first thought to pair off with Spike. But I'm open to suggestions. I'm about to the point I'll setup a voting booth to choose which three characters to work from. Anyone have any suggestions to offer me?
ETA: Just thought I'd throw in a rec of sorts here. A friend of mine wrote a good article on his sites journal about aging. Goes along with my "Changing of tides" theme for today. Go to LaughingSpecter.com and read the first post there (or for those of you coming in late on this, it's the February 6th post).
